journal
im sure whoever is reading this, and subsequently the rest of my garden, think: wow, that is such a sad, pathetic girl.
let me divulge a secret: i am not actually too sad at all. i mourn my regrets, and i also mourn things that i do not regret. i say things, here, to an audience that doesn't clap, only watches. i act like the angel of my own stage; dancing in front of the cameras.
of course, i don't have any obligation to this place. i've left for a month, five months, even a year: i come and go as i please. you (the shutter and the flash) don't need to worry about a lack of honest content. it's all here for you, when i want it to be.
i exist in a highly surveilled environment. so, if you are reading this, and you understand who i am, i want you to understand that you are just a feed, a camera, another mechanism of my ongoing surveillance. see, i've hidden, before. i am very good at hiding very well.
i might be - disgusting, tainted, dishonest, ugly, broken, a whore, a bitch, maybe even a king. but i am happy? at least to the extent at which i continue to recycle my same existence day in and day out. i am content. i live with mistakes and i live with others' "mistakes" (violation, violet, violated). i exist within the twisting tendrils of impurity, and i also exist just out of grasp of it. the same can be said for the cross. therefore, i am happy.
"noun: solmization; noun: solmisation a system of associating each note of a scale with a particular syllable, especially to teach singing.
Origin mid 18th century: from French solmisation, based on sol ‘soh’ + mi (see me2)."